Beware the CHARMER

The sentence read: what word Most describes an Abuser?
Now some women are fooled by the man bearing the salad fork just for her or opening the door just for her and may even be fooled when the abusers says I am doing this for your own good.
I read and heard from an experienced psychologist charmers are very often the same men who will after the honeymoon cycle abuse you. It is called the tension building period. The love of your life,that great guy who opened the door for you last month, who fetched those stamps for you from the post office in the rain no less, and who who insists you not cook tonight because sharing is caring is now critical of the tight little red dress you wore when you began dating and found alluring,now gives you the silent treatment at home, after telling you perhaps it’s time you throw out that same dress because you are no longer on the market. Disobey him once shame on you ,disobey him twice the walking on egg shells go into high gear of verbal threats. He might say I’m going to throw that damn dress out if you don’t. Or accuse you of Sneezing out on him behind his back. You have caught him so why would you need that kind of dress now.
How about the anger he demonstrates when you decide on your destination of your night out. I’m the man I will decide. Oh some women think that he is your knight in shining armor.
He cares for me that is why he gets jealous about what I wear. And how long does he continue to pout after you have shown some initiative and made a decision without him or even for him? He might ignore you for days and not call or come by for days as punishment. He knows it gets to,you can’t live without his compliments or his charming you by doing little things for you. If you live together he might complain over and over again about how you can’t even make decent cup of coffee. He will growl because the food you cooked is over salted or under seasoned or you reading in bed has become annoying. You find yourself walking on eggshells. It is your fault he is not happy.

Get up off the floor honey,cause it’s going to get worse.
Why? The more you give into his every argument about what he does for you and you do nothing for him will become the mantra in your home. How many times have you heard,” if you loved me you would…”If you thought about what you were doing you would not have made a mistake or I did it for you because you would have not got it right. Oops,put down.
Put downs, insults, raising his voice for no reasonable reason when you are allegedly only discussing an issue.
Let’s not forget the issues are more often than not about your lack of ability to do something/ anything right.
Yet,he insists on opening that door for you or pushing your chair in. He is all charm.
And you are always on edge if what you are going to do next will piss him off or not.Over the years you get used to having knots in your stomach and make excuses for lack of empathy for your feelings or needs.
After about six months into your tension building phase that you call getting to know him, he has a tantrum about anything,he says he has told you he does not like your behavior or your clothes or cooking ,whatever but out of the blue he might slap your butt just a little too hard as his words emphasize once again you have spoiled the evening by asking for a night out alone,or you turned the television station before you told him you were going to or any old damn thing,he has smacked you hard. And what do you do,shocked,hurt,but too afraid to confront him because you have been trained not to start a conflict,he may not talk to you for days and you hate that. So, you pretend it didn’t hurt and maybe even boast how it didn’t even hurt and you shove your self esteem down into your stomach,make an excuse for him and even let him make all the decisions about the television. However,the next love smack might be the face slap or shoulder punch or worse depending on his mood because you refuse to stand up for yourself and how you deserve,demand to be treated. You have inadvertently agreed to your own abuse.
Abusers are CHARMING,that’s the first sign to look for and second they dig in immediately taking care of you. they demand to show you respect by doing all these great little things for you.
If abuse follows and you feel angry about something yet say nothing.Ask yourself why not?
Keep asking yourself why after each answer and see what comes up.
But if you see signs of abuse coming,get out now because abusers never change,Never.
A good rule of thumb, Do for yourself and demand he have respect for it.
Demand you talk out plans and ideas,dates,destinations,any sharing whatsoever because there are two of you. Remain your own person but blend and to blend or build rapport both people have to listen to the other’s needs and desires.
I think I will even pull out my notes and add more in my next blog about abusuve relationships.
You are so worth it.


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