Beat the Charmer by building Boundaries

I posted in part,original on Feb.9th 2015.
Do you have a difficult time standing up for yourself. No must mean no but you keeping letting the jerk back into your life. Do you tolerate machismo language that robs you of your dignity because your have been brainwashed into thinking words don’t mean anything. Perhaps you do not know you are having a conflict of ideas or desires. You are a coward and avoid conflict at all costs even when that cost may be your self-esteem. Then you may be the victim of a charmer and experiencing a cycle of violence. You can get off this emotional roller coaster. Just make the choice,yes I leave or no I stay take more crap or stay teach yourself and your partner how to better communicate?

Self-esteem is important wrote psychologist,Nathaniel Branden in his book titled,”How to build your Self-Esteem. His words were:”The difference between low and high self-esteem is the difference between failure and success.”
I will share now at the onset of this writing some quotes from experts such as,Esther and Jerry Hicks of the Abraham Hicks writings -Ask and it it Given- “There is no satisfaction in allowing someone else to attempt to create your reality. In fact it is Not possible for anyone else to create your reality.” Another quote of Abraham is; “You have never enjoyed someone else telling you what to do. You have never enjoyed being dissuaded from your own powerful impulses. But over time you have gradually begun to release your determination to guide your own life. You have often found it easier just to adopt their ideas of what was best for you rather than figure it out for yourself:But in all this adopting to your society’s attempts to make you fit in, you have unwittingly relinquished your most basic foundation: your total and absolute Freedom To Create.”
Next is from Edgar Cayce spiritual guide,he wrote;”Regimentation would never work in this country,no matter the announced objective.” “The courage To Be is the key to the revelatory power of the Feminist Revolution.” Mary Daly,Radical feminist philosopher,author of Beyond God the Father, The church and the second sex and twenty other titles.
From the book title,7 ways to handle toxic people,”When emotionally intelligent people feel good no ones opinions take away from them.”
That’s a few to star with and I am sure if you are on a quest to improve yourself and chances of success as I am you will find more. Success means something different to everyone,accepted.
To begin how does one know if you have self esteem?
Ask, am I feeling uncomfortable with a part of my behavior.
Am I getting what I am wanting and if not why not? Am I a push over? Do I find myself caring for others and not myself and then complaining about it? Or I say no but let people walk all over me. There are coping skills for you until you come to love yourself. They are called Boundaries.
Life coach Cheryl Richardson says that creating stronger boundaries is The number one way for most women to improve their lives.(Begin to set Personal Boundaries,February 05,2001) First Step is to improve your self awareness. Self Aware. Like when you know when your boyfriend is upset and needs cuddling or a good pep talk. Feel what’s going on with you with the same intensity you place on others. How Am I feeling about this or that? And take the time to feel where in your body is he feeling located. Am I afraid, angry,fearful, give it a name. Ask yourself am I losing energy in this conversation? Is there there something going on but I just can’t put my finger on it. It is more than okay to interrupt a discussion that is upsetting you , it is okay to take five from a conflict if you are feeling overwhelmed , back up, bow out and protect yourself,first, the discussion can be resumed later if you so decide. There is nothing in the rule book of love that says you have to remain right where you are to get hammered,frustrated,or humiliated. This is the first of many. Do not feel bad or guilty for running off to your room or your corner,it is no different than any other trained warrior,step back,regroup. Women, when combat ( and by combat means making sure there is equall comforting,giving,I got your back and equall effort of understanding the needs of the other) happens in love relationships fight like a warrior. Warriors move around right, they regroup, advance, retreat, charge. In relationships this occurs over and over again until everyone is clear on who wants what and who is going to get what. Are you clearly understood? Then get to it. Build your self awareness first. And work at saying,no,I really want it this way. And then find some common ground till it is perfectly clear. Is this relationship long term or is it?
Self Awareness writes Ms. Richardson includes, I have a right to ask for…I have a right to protect my time and energy.
Use direct language,short sentences since the brain then will not over load with emotion. Be firm, gracious as you can, if you can’t at first try try again it will come. Repeat yourself and never answer questions as that will pull your attention away from your request.
Strengthen your internal boundaries. When you begin making yourself a priority ,you may feel uncomfortable and uncaring but stay with it. Don’t be a door mat. If some one crosses a boundary it may be necessary to let them know in order to protect and strengthen your internal new boundaries.
These changes will not happen over night so it is most important to practice daily and never give up.
Pay attention to what your self is saying to yourself and if you cannot hear yourself make any observations about your situation you are working from your reptile brain. Sheer animal instincts. This is where you Do not want to function.
Teach yourself to hear your self. We know you could be thinking of what to say next,you have stopped listening to the other person but what is more important is to know what you are feeling ,why, and how to say what you want without losing ground from the fight or flight system.Or back up, give yourself time to regroup.
Teach yourself one or two Assertive Techniques.
If you don’t know how to be Assertive you might experience-

Depression,resentment,frustration,violence,physical ailments and maybe parenting problems. To be effective here are some examples:face the other person and stand straight,keep your voice calm but serious, use “I” statements as often as you can: I feel this when you do that or I want or I would rather etc.,use facts,I get angry when you…make clear,direct,requests such as will you please… instead of why don’t you..or ask tell me what do you mean by that…
With more to come on Self esteem and Boundaries and the practice of Assertiveness tune in tomorrow. Thanks for listening.
Also to come will cover listening to identify the bullies from the crazies.

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