I couldn’t believe her vitality in her conviction.
She babbled on about how we ,meaning her and those of her ilk, are To be tolerant or accepting of everyone even murderers. Her eyes wide open with exuberance of a mad woman of arrogant privilege staring into mine.
Yea, blah, blah, blah. Of course any words spoken about me in Oakland more than five years ago was spoken by strangers that were absolutely telling the truth and did not harbor any ulterior motive, of course not. I mean, no one in Oakland,California ever tells a lie.
She looked as though in a trance as she shot questions to gain my opinions on various groups so she could verify to her friends murdering my life was justified. I told her I liked the police in general, I did say nothing one way or another about people who dyed their hair purple green, blue, (afterall I wore my green hair once). She asked me about teenagers and I gave her my opinion of the poor deprived group and my ideas about how to help parents educate themselves to have better emotionally healthy children. Of course she was not listening. She asked about hookers I mentioned not all hookers are stupid. She mentioned in very broad strokes because she was fearful asking any direct questions about my relationship to black people. She asked had I a brother or sister. She did not ask did I have any brothers or sisters. She was specific. Curious. And she pushed on with her agenda. Was I in touch with them, No, I am not they might as well be dead I said.
She pretended to be concerned about women in the target group I described to save them from the abuse of slum lords. She asked had I received disability. Even though I was quite aware of her train of death thoughts for me I continued because over these 8 years I have learned from experience that no matter what I say, the judgement against me will never be erased or forgotten. One after another will speak to me only to snare me by their slanted questions till they get the twisted truth they want. She was not looking at me, in me or for me. I knew the verdict.She was just another liar.
I did say there is racism,there is reverse racism. I did say I was not black and I know I have choices about how I want to be treated. I know as a Lesbian in Las Vegas my chosen group is not well received here,so much for all that goddammed tolerance.
I know my landlord treats his black female employees like children and I said as much.
I did tell her I function from the ATTACHMENT Mode of , I don’t need you , because my caregivers never saw the real me.
She was not listening her eyes glazed over and stared at the side of my head as if she were seeing sparks fly from that spot.
I told her I can be sympathetic sure but…but..I don’t want to be black people or any other group.
And who in the hell asked me to join? No one!
But because I was considered black myself yet did not share anyone’s enthusiasm for blunt and stupid my life was torn apart and made an appendage to the brute machine rolling over everyone. They the headless group did not care I did not want to belong to any group but those I have chosen for myself. Did they know I was not black ? . One culture after another spun lies about me to set another culture upon me until I the victim became the hunted murderer. And all want me to accept the sign of the beast gladly or they will lie and cheat and steal the rest of my life away.Fear my cohorts, this group will rule only through FEAR mongering. They want me to give up my connection to the greater than the whole of my self, my universal consciousness, the all, the only truth that is alive then,now and forever and LOVES me No matter what I do for Their shallow promise that life will be made equal for all just as long as no one challenges the groups authority. Who is the group really? No one knows.
Just hold still while you decide what is good for everyone. Who is the group?
Then away with my life madmen. Away!
I will never give my consent to bullies who mindlessly, like the river of fire ants, they are , roll over my life like a mere leaf. I will not give my all, my soul to a soulless group just because you can deprive me of physical comforts and the comfort of a friendship, or the warmth of a private room. I will not cowtow to the snarling white face of superiority that demands no one else matter but their opinion of how our, did I say our world, must be like now. And to hell with my life it was fodder for the machine. Merely fodder because black people have always hated the white black people and whites have always harbored open disgust for the white black person fearing they might be related.
And how dare any of you speak of accepting anybody?
You can’t see your nose on your own spitefilled face.
And I’m a Dike. You really Goooood people walk out in the street instead of walking by me because I am a dike. You who are sooooo tolerant even to kill me to prove to black’s how much you love your slave. You are shockingly not tolerant of dykes. You cringe when you see my cropped hair and sexless clothes. Dyke! What?
And no one would have rented to me in this area knowing I was A Dyke! But god damn love you some slave and pat yourself on the back for being tolerant. And kill me in the name of white privileged justice. I get it. It’s a big club only they don’t know the club that truly rules our country is THE Club and none of us are in it. Wake up stupid people!
Give me a pause…..