Now it is All Clear To Me

I was listening to a video tape on the subject of an ACE study when an incredible discovery was made. Adverse Childhood Experiences is an organization that it’s studies have found what kinds of experiences affect the development of the child brain. Neuroscientist have mapped many of our adult propensities for disease, mental illness,poor life styles and complete withering away to traumatic experiences in childhood. I discovered while watching and listening intently to one of their tapes the horrible pain and fear  I had accumulated during childhood traumatic experiences, and how my behavior was playing out my childhood need; which was to kill the pain and in my case to kill the pain my behavior was to risk getting killed.

The  video mentioned how one man began a study of childhood obesity. Many years and interviews accumulated. The questions he asked of his clients quite unsuspectingly led to one certain thread of similarity. He began to pose a specific question to his studied group of obese clients and found what they had in common went across , age, financial status and race. He asked if any had experienced an alcoholic parent, or emotional abuse or even sexual abuse, the answer from a majority of his clients was, Yes.

When he said the word ” alcoholic”something tripped in my memory bank. I instantly heard my father tell me he hated me. I saw the snarl in his eyes and wrinkled brow. I heard the sound of his voice. I saw my mother as if she were standing only a few feet from me and saw her look of contempt on her face , her condescending sneer as she called me profane names, then laughed at me. More images and sounds of constant rejection flooded in and I was screaming, writhing in pain. My mind was trying to escape my body. I cried hard and for a good while.

Suddenly my behavior made more sense to me. I was trying to commit public suicide because I was still in pain. Not too different then some men who begin their lives as wonderful curious little boys, bright mind and quick wit but under the constant subjection of physical bullying by an alcoholic father grow up to commit crimes against society so grave he ends in prison on death row.  The pain of abuse, emotional, sexual, physical in early childhood predestines a child to an adult life of possible experiences of: obesity, alcoholism, promiscuity, constant anxiety, suicidal tendencies and much more.

Now I realized why I was fighting off my male alcoholic, psychopathic neighbor. I had experienced a certain set of abuses and he another and they attracted each other in the worst way. Death wishes. In fact for know reason that I could understand at the time he yelled from his apartment, “I wish I could kill you”.

I had rejected him because he enbodied my parents, loud, drinking, rough, not caring about any one else’s feelings but his own. I ran for my life but the rejection he felt made him want to kill me. And for nearly two years he pursued that end relentlessly. No one believed me, or would see anything other than I must deserve it, I must take his murderous behavior because our country is in turmoil over certain cultural acceptance. I happened to fit into the paradigm and was left to fight him off as best I could. He once said with great disdain” you deserve to live here” making a biting commentary on our mutual neighborhood of slackers and users and unemployable. But he too is here I thought. We both have come from being a man of means to our not so pretty environs. How does that happen. It happens because if deep seeded beliefs we have about ourselves. In a strange Way, I think he wants me to want more for myself because he wants more for himself. But first I wanted me healed . I want my real and healed self more than money.

More interesting is he made sure he made himself indispensable to the one man who could decide my life or death and that was our mutual landlord. Since my neighbor, a supreme manipulator, very much like my parents , had convinced our landlord that his ability to repair roof leaks, electric wiringing, floor molding, carpentry repairs was very valuable to him. Along the way I can understand their possible struggle of which one needed the other more then the other and a business struggle ensued. Each attempting to get the upper hand on the other. The ultimate goal for my parental doppelgänger was the goal of getting me expelled from the complex because of my rejection of him. Why would I say that because my nemesis said to a neighbor in a loud voice one that I could easily hear , the landlord had helped him get hired onto a repair job for a female neighbor. And she was not bad looking and perhaps he will be living with her soon and enjoying a real nice place to live. You might think it a stretch but think about it. A man who can push people sooo hard so that he is bowling over others with no remorse. His only reason is because that he has a goal to meet. If you are not with him you must be against him. I understand my feeling toward my self was total self preservation against the same pain inflicted upon me by my parents. The rejection, the hateful words and feeling totally alone had led me to live a life of isolation, indepence so severe it was killing me. If I did not fight off my parents this time and win I will feel totally defeated. Neither I nor my neighbor were aware of this fatal attraction. Those of you who have experience in such matters and understand the psychological attractions will get me. Now that I have uncovered this deep belief of pain and the need to feel worth while, I understand why the neuroscientist insist we resolve our issues before we have children. We are only going to react to a stressor in such a way around our infants that will surely cause them stress which in various degrees and constancy will surely set them on a very rough life road. I urge all of you to look inside, truly seek to admit to your own landscapes of pain and  begin to heal before you bring any wonderful babies into the world.

Like myself educate yourself by reading books by dr.daniel Siegel about the brain ,its plasticity and possible Before you have children.

PS. Have you read Seth Speaks. This entity who spoke through Jane Roberts said, you are your beliefs. You create that which you believe. If you believe the world is a harsh place so it will be and if you believe you will die of cancer at 21 so it will be. We are what we believe. And you can heal and change your mind.


charlette Cook