Minus 3 and counting 363

Already I have missed a day or two of reporting but here goes a twofer.

Recap. Sunday was the first nothing done, right. Monday , went to 99 cent type market to get vitae’s and met with first assault of the new year . Have a nice day! But this time I pulled the cover off of the elephant. Day three 3 I caught the bus for my meet with the Rabbi and met with people who got on the bus with me all got on their cellphones. Haha! More Oakland, the assault on my ears and once again people in Las Vegas disregarding laws. I have noticed but so what I had on my trusty ear muffs and even if they believe or not that I cannot hear them good riddens.

Next when I called the office to speak to someone about my appointment I was shuffled over to the secretary who told me without the whiny tone that she had left a message on my phone telling me she had cancelled the meeting, then she repeated herself and added this time that I had to check my phone messages. Of course I did not hear the belligerent tones in her voice but were very reminiscent of childhood chiding. I continued to listen.  She said she did not want me to come up there for nothing. She reminded me of my mother so much with her whining that drove my father crazy and us kids into nervous wrecks  but I laughed anyway. I felt like this was some type of test.   Jews are they like my mother? Afterall my mother and hers and hers were descendants of a jewess.   I laughed at the secretary, although she did not know why. I laughed and asked for a re schedule. We settled on another day and that was that. Then on my ride prior to or after I don’t quite remember which , while I was waiting at a bus stop,  I thought to myself”nicest time as any to not rush home”, but linger in a new landscape. I seldom leave my routes but that is going to change this year. So  I sat and I let two buses go by. Then  a flustered young black man came up beside me and waved his hands near my face to get my attention. Because I was wearing ear muffs to dampen the noises of the street and people’s voices.    I stared at him a moment, then slowly removed the muffs.  . I asked him, “what?” He said,”Are you catching the bus?

Curious I knew this was one of those trick questions people have been asking me to trick me, to make me look bad.  I thought to myself, what difference to him if I was or not, but looked at him with a puzzled look on my face. He repeated the question sort of, “Are you catching the bus because I see you here and I see the bus pass the stop and I was over near the store. To this I said. “I don’t see the connection”  What difference is it if I catch the bus or not unless he is depending on me and my sitting there as a fixture for the bus driver.   I was not stumped but knew even before he talked  what he was driving home.  That was the reason I waved the bus away in the first place. It was a trap.

I was expected to let everyone around me, especially him, a man, a black man, know what my intentions were so he could not have to be responsible for his own taking of the bus. Of course it would be misconstrued into men deserve to be taken care of, or some dumb thing like all black men expect this treatment. Isn’t that part the problem ?  Are some black men tricked into thinking women are obligated to look after and out for them, instead of growing into an independent adult able to be responsible for his own movements, diecrtion? Could this be the reason some black people do not get ahead because they don’t have the mind they can do anything alone?

I stared blankly back into his cold eyes he was clearly angry and his voice betrayed him. I am not about to be made a partner in reshaping my mind to fit the profile of a co-dependent. I have spent more than 40 years healing myself of co dependence and enmeshment where one person does not know where they end and their man’s personality begins. I know this is also that psychic bullshit men have placed on some women. Can’t you know what I need beforehand, can’t you think about what I might need? These are an abusers tools to make a lesser self esteemed woman wonder if she is wrong and not caring. Then she gives up her freedom to be her independent self and any possibility of ever having an adult relationship with another independent adult male by believing this scam. She feels ashamed she is a bad selfish woman and believes she should think of him and his needs first. Oh Beware women, this trap! That is exactly what this is a trap. A trap to trick the very young into disappearing. If you do you will regret it for the rest of your life. These vampire men will suck the life right out of you. And they will never grow up, they will never take responsibility for their decisions either. This man did not make me question anything but did make me fear for women who will believe this scam. Many women could and would fall for this ploy but beware , what you pay with is your self esteem and ultimately your freedom.

I think men might be after women’s freedom.

I heard and could see that the man was angry.  became angry And mumbled something, I Understood but did not have the words to convey my thoughts in their entirety at that moment. I remained silent.   He merely repeated his previous statement that he was in front of the store far away from the bus stop and saw that the bus stopped only briefly in front of me then would depart. He said, “that s the connection.”  Can you just hear the absurdity? There is NO connection.  Thinking to myself , ” he is unable to make himself clear because one of two ideas would become clear: one, that he was too lazy to stand at the bus stop like the rest of us and wait, and the second, he was trying to make me feel guilty  and responsible for him which is a tactic used by children. An abuser might use that same strategy on a low self esteemed woman who is a co dependent. She needs to fix him and his life making sure he does not fall, this is what abusers do. I am neither lazy nor am I a co- dependent seeking a man to fix or need me to lean upon. That is for weak men who can’t really be a man on his own.   He, in my mind was emotionally unhealthy.  Totally to be avoided.  I am a emotionally healthy woman who desires nothing of this type of demeaning relationship. Is this all that Las Vegas has to offer. .??

 

Again on the bus more people talking on their cell phones, clearly some people in Las Vegas find it very difficult to follow directions or follow the rules.  since this location is known originally for harboring a group who did not want to live their lives according to the rules of the other, “suckers”.

And when I went shopping I noticed the “have a nice day again as if it is the 2017 banner for some group. It does not belong to any one cultural group and not even Oakland,California. nor will I observe it as such. And if I refuse the salutation it is because I am very much against brain washing, intimidation and bullying of any type. Now this bullying began for me in Oakland, California. I believe everyone can be what they want, but no one wants an individual. there are those that want everyone to be one ethnic way , the collective conscious which has been high jacked and brain washed for the last thirty years or more. Those who lead us down the dumbing down of Americans.  I don’t or I refuse rather any one forcing me to be anything other than what makes me comfortable. That is the freedom of the pursuit of happiness America promises.

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